Because many of my works contain a BDSM or D/s element, I’m frequently asked if I do the things my characters do, and if so, why?
For starters, yes, I do some of the things my characters do. I don’t go quite as far as some—food play and watersports really aren’t up my alley—but for the most part, if they indulge in it, I’ve indulged in it. In fact, my husband made a custom headboard for us. We use chains instead of rope, because I have an odd skin reaction to most ropes. He also turned an antique mini bar into a BDSM toy cabinet, and hung some of our stuff on the wall above it.
In my Evil Day Job, I’m in management. I’m in charge of a lot of things, and I’m held accountable for even more things. Looking back, I’ve never really held a job where I wasn’t in charge. I just have a natural ability to examine a situation, find the best approach, and make it happen. People naturally listen to me, they defer to me, they ask me what they should do. I’m definitely a Dom in the business world, and in most of my private life. I make just about all the decisions in my relationships. Hell, I even end up making the decisions when I tell someone else to!
So what’s the draw of submission for someone like me? Don’t I always want to be in control? Don’t I enjoy being the Man in Charge?
You see, there’s a certain stress level that comes along with being The Man. It’s fatiguing, both emotionally and physically, at times. The highs are very, very high, but the lows are very, very, very low. When everything rests on your shoulders, it’s easy to forget about your own needs, and easy to forget that we all need time to decompress. It’s also very emotionally draining. There isn’t a lot of room for weakness, or perceived weakness, in the business world. You have to be on your guard and in control 24/7. Facts have to be checked and checked again, and you still have to be ready for the possibility that one of your facts is wrong. There isn’t a lot of time to relax and just be yourself. Just feel.
I’m a person who likes to stay ahead of the game. I’m always thinking. Planning. Plotting. Rethinking. Replanning. Replotting. I’ve got a Plan A, Plan B, and a Plan C, and I’ve thought of ways to fix each one if something goes wrong. I map out trips down to the minutes and miles. I make lists and spreadsheets. I
I’ve always been a person who enjoyed every aspect of sex, and once again, I’m a natural leader when it comes to that, too. I can be tender and slow, I can be efficient and quick, or I can be hard and dirty, and I like all those extremes equally. But every now and then, I can also be docile and submissive.
For me, there’s nothing more rejuvenating than having someone else take control in the bedroom for a change. Being tied up takes away my ability to try to lead with my body. Being gagged takes away my ability to give commands. Being blindfolded takes away my ability to influence the events with eye contact. There is something very feral and base about knowing you will enjoy what unfolds, because the person in control knows how to make you enjoy it. To have all control stripped away from me, to be brought to my proverbial knees in a stunning, brain-freeing climax simply because I have no way to resist—that’s my ultimate moment. These times are the only times when my mind goes completely blank, and I’m not thinking, planning, and plotting; the only times when I’m focused solely on myself.
I’ve learned a great deal about myself over the years, through BDSM, as well. I grew up a very untrusting child, due to mental, physical, and sexual abuse. BDSM has allowed me to find the path back to trust. My partner and I started with small things. He’d tie my wrists, and nothing bad would happen. He’d add a gag, and still, nothing bad happened. Through BDSM he has patiently taught me that some people can be trusted with my very life. He’s taught me that accidents happen, things go wrong, and when they do a real man will take responsibility. A real man won’t promise you perfection, only that he’ll strive for it.
It’s also taught me to be more open about who I am and who my husband is. There was a time when our toys remained hidden away, when pictures of BDSM acts would never, ever grace my computer. Now my screensaver is shots of hot, nekked mens doing hot nekked things to each other, and some of our toys are proudly displayed on our bedroom walls. Of course, the fact our kids grew up and moved out has a part to play in that, but at one point in our lives, we hid ourselves even when the kids weren’t over (we had joint custody of them). Along the way, we’ve realized the people who truly matter will love you kinks and all, and the rest can get to gettin’!
But all this isn’t to say that BDSM is the way our sex always goes. There’s nothing wrong with good old fashioned vanilla. But a little Rocky Road doesn’t hurt either!
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