Why Vanilla Can Far More Abusive Than BDSM by Wendy Leigh, author of the “Unraveled” Trilogy.
With the publication of EL James’ “Grey” in which she affords a glimpse into the mind of a Dominant/Sadist, revealing, amongst other things, his yearning to insert a peeled ginger root into his submissive’s nether regions prior to punishment (a horrific departure for the average romance reader to contemplate) the accusations that BDSM is abuse have skyrocketed.
And they are certain to escalate further with the June 29 publication of my “Unraveled By Her” (the second book in my ‘Unraveled” trilogy) in which my hero subjects my heroine to an extensive and kaleidoscopic range of BDSM delights, and she adores every single second of them.
My answer to all those accusations? Apart from being erotic, inspiring, exhilarating, dramatic and just plain pleasurable, BDSM is the most honest type of relationship available to men and women.
Unlike in Vanilla relationships, (which are generally shot through with subterfuge, so that, at the very least, participants in a Vanilla relationship often have to spend half the time straining to decipher one another’s unspoken motives, desires, emotions or lack of them) in a BDSM relationship, the participants know exactly what to expect from another in advance.
In BDSM, the boundaries are clear, the roles are defined ahead of time, there is no artifice (other than that agreed in advance for role play) and no need for false declarations of love and passion when the goal is sex and only sex.
From the outside looking in, and to the uninitiated, BDSM may appear to be abusive, but – by and large – that isn’t at all accurate.
The reality is that BDSM is generally practiced by sophisticated grown-ups who are clear about what they need, what they want, and who are honest from start to finish.
Vanilla love can be fuelled by unspoken power struggles, simmering anger caused by not being able to articulate desires, plus frustration at being afraid to act out fantasies. Whereas BDSM lovers put all their cards on the table from the first, the lines are drawn ahead of time, participants know what they want, and are unafraid to ask for it.
And I think it’s time for some distinguished academic to weigh in and conduct a serious study of BDSM relationships via Vanilla ones and come up with statistics on which of the two flourishes, which of the two is truly abusive, and which is not.
“Unraveled By Him,” and “Unraveled By Her,” and “Unraveled Together” (coming in October) by Wendy Leigh are published by Pocket Books, a division of Simon and Schuster. www.amazon.com