Why I Submit – Kayla Lords
I am so excited to have the opportunity to visit BDSM Book Reviews today! I have agonized over this guest post for days now, weeks even. The opportunity to guest blog for a site dedicated to BDSM books – a site that caters to people who want to read BDSM erotica and more – was exciting and overwhelming. First, I wondered if I should promote my current book. Then I wondered if I should fall back on what I do on my website – write about sex. Both would be fun – for me to write and hopefully for you to read. But that didn’t feel right to me. So I figured I’d just be brutally honest and be myself.
Hi, I’m Kayla Lords. I’m a sexual submissive in the Dominance and submission (D/s) lifestyle who identifies as a masochistic babygirl in the Daddy Dom/little girl world of D/s. I happen to run a sex blog and write erotica. To say that my thoughts center around sex, BDSM, and specifically D/s is an understatement.
Not everyone who writes about BDSM lives the lifestyle, although some of us do. The thing I find myself wanting to explain to people is why I submit, why I live this lifestyle, and why I write about it exclusively. I attempt to explain in my stories and on my blog. The desire to be understood is strong especially since the thing that makes me feel complete (submission) is often vilified by those on the outside looking in.
So why do I submit?
The easy answer is that it’s sexually gratifying to engage in kinky sex where I submit and he dominates. I enjoy the power play and the apparent lack of control. I say apparent because I firmly believe in having a safe word – with one word, all sex and play stop. The safe word is often the reason people say that a submissive actually has all the power in a relationship. We can stop everything with one word and a good Dominant complies immediately.
For some people, the kinky sex is all they need out of the D/s lifestyle. For me, I need and want more – much more. I want to live by rules. I want to follow protocol. I want to trust someone that I believe is stronger than I am. I want to be under the care of someone who wants me to succeed in all that I do.
From the outside looking in, it may appear that I don’t want to accept responsibility for my own life. That’s wrong on every level. I am capable of taking care of myself. Have you ever had a moment where you realized (after the fact) that you should have done something – eat that extra piece of cake, buy those shoes you couldn’t afford, whatever? The moment you did it, you knew it was the wrong thing to do.
A Dominant’s job is to make sure that feeling of having done the exact wrong thing doesn’t occur. Depending on the relationship, a submissive can give over a little or a lot of control. Every relationship is different. For me, I’m comfortable giving over control of several everyday life decisions to my Dominant, but there are plenty I still make for myself. In other relationships, all decisions are made by the Dominant. It’s different for everyone.
The big question most people have is how. How can I let someone else control my life? How can I forget about equal rights, equal treatment, feminism, and bra burning. Isn’t submission degrading?
The answers aren’t always easy to understand. But I’ll try.
I allow him to control parts of my life because I trust him to take care of me. We have constant and open communication. If I don’t like a decision that’s been made or the direction something is headed, I have the right to speak out – politely, respectfully, and at the right time. Every time we add a new element to our relationship, we discuss it in great detail first to set the expectations and then we discuss it after the first time to determine how we both felt about it. Depending on how we feel, we adjust what we’re doing.
I place myself in his care because he took the time to prove to me that he had my best interests at heart. I know what I need to do, but oftentimes, what I want to do wins out. By giving him control over parts of my life, I always do what I need to do, and my wants become treats that give me great joy.
I haven’t forgotten equal rights – and I absolutely consider myself a feminist. What many people don’t realize is that a Dominant doesn’t exist without a submissive, and vice versa. Without someone submitting, there’s no way to be a Dominant. When those of us who are submissives and Dominants are single, we tend to feel like something is missing, a piece of ourselves. I believe it’s because we aren’t doing what we’re meant to do – completing a circle with our other half.
And the reason I call myself is a feminist is because feminism isn’t about complying with what the majority of people think women should do. It’s about choosing for ourselves what we should do with our lives. At home and in my relationship, I submit and hand over a certain amount of control. In my professional life, I’m a take-charge, type A personality who wants to control every detail. Both sides of my life are my choice.
Submission isn’t degrading. Abuse is degrading. Someone being beaten or forced to act in a certain way when they don’t want to – that’s degrading. Choosing to submit, choosing to embark in kinky sex and experimentation, choosing to push the limits and bounds of what others consider normal – well, that’s anything but degrading. The difference between submission and abuse is about consent and choice.
As a submissive, I choose to submit. The moment I withdraw my consent, it’s over. If a Dominant doesn’t respect the lack of consent, that’s abuse.
Under the care of my Dominant, I feel treasured and special. I am one of the most important people in the world to him. All that he does within the confines of our relationship is for me – to help me achieve goals, to help me be a better woman, to show his love for me. I am held securely in his grasp, knowing that he’d never truly hurt me. In return, I hand over control. I submit to him, and allow him to lead wherever we shall go – whether that’s in life or in kinky sex.
D/s doesn’t exist in a bubble. There must be a strong relationship between two people who are willing to communicate with one another. Trust must be earned – from both sides. Fears, insecurities, and past issues must be dealt with – for both parties. Good relationships, whether D/s or vanilla, require work and commitment.
And for the record, I use the male Dominant and female submissive perspective because that’s what I know. All gender pronouns are transferrable. Dommes and male submissives, Dommes and female submissives, Dominants and male submissives, switches, and every type of sexuality under the sun can experience D/s in their own way, at their own comfort level. And as long as everyone is safe, sane, and consensual, I say have a good fucking time!
Website – http://kaylalords.com
Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/KaylaLords
Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/kayla.lords.1
Tumblr – http://a-sexual-being.tumblr.com
Amazon – http://amazon.com/author/kaylalords